The truth about trophies

This may surprise you, but I really don’t have a problem with participation awards, especially for kids. It does no harm to recognize a kid for “just showing up.”

However––that participation trophy shouldn’t be 3 feet high and it shouldn’t be the same as the champion’s.

If you want to cultivate a certain behavior, reward it. The fundamental skill that we need to cultivate in kids is, in fact, showing up. We can build from there.

If you want kids to “show up,” then reward them. Nothing wrong with that. If a kid makes it through a tough season of practice and games, by all means give them a participation medal.

Save the 3 foot trophy for the champions. It’s perfectly appropriate to recognize exceptional performance with an exceptional award.

If you have an issue with that, remember that a kid can work hard and still end up on a losing team. Your kid’s championship potential is subject to many conditions outside his or her control including where you live, who the coach happens to be and whether or not their team drafted the biggest kid in the league.

At the same time, a kid on a championship squad might receive a trophy as big as he is just for riding the bench. None of this is fair, but life itself isn’t always fair. That’s the greater lesson.

We actually have quite the opposite problem and it doesn’t end at Little League or high school graduation. We too often tolerate, condone and at times even reward bad behavior. We’re afraid to stand against egregious acts for fear of retaliation and political correctness has stifled constructive criticism and debate.

In the workplace this unintended negative reinforcement takes the form of giving a promotion to the person who never rocks the boat. We give raises for time served regardless of production and we often condemn meritocratic pay systems as being somehow unfair. We keep problem employees in place to avoid protracted legal challenges.

As a society we’re pressing for ever higher levels of minimum wage. Isn’t this the ultimate “participation trophy?” Many people believe that every adult should earn a “living wage” just for showing up.

Give the kids the participation awards. Train them to show up––and to keep showing up even when it’s tough.

When they win, give ‘em the big trophy. Teach them that hard work can earn greater rewards––and that it’s not just the starters that make a successful team.

Draw the line at adulthood. If you’ve been taught these values, you should now realize that showing up is the bare minimum. Minimum effort produces minimum rewards. If you want a shot at the big trophy, you’ve got to put in a big effort.

And you’ve got to accept the fact that no matter how much you deserve to win, sometimes you’re going to lose.

The participation award for grownups is life itself. No matter what your current circumstances and conditions, you can usually find someone worse off than yourself. No matter how bad it is right now, if you’re vertical and mobile you can usually do something to change it.

For kids, lets train them to show up. Let’s train them that if they work hard, and they get some breaks, that they may enjoy greater rewards.

Let’s also train them not to be afraid of taking intelligent risks. Let’s teach them to be courageous and confident. Let’s train them to keep showing up even when things aren’t going their way.

When they show up, give them the participation award––

But never deny the champions their trophy.

Picture of trophy courtesy of Pixtawan and FreeDigitalPhotos.net

SPECIAL POST: “We also gave those who wished to destroy space to do that as well …”

Before the Baltimore riots reached their full crescendo on Monday afternoon, mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake made a critical leadership error––one that likely incited or at least exacerbated the mayhem.

In the relative calm following the “purging” riots, she compounded that mistake.

One of the most important strategies for effective leadership is clear and effective communication. From THE SENSEI LEADER:

The most effective leaders are effective communicators.

Who you are as a leader becomes reality in the minds and hearts of others through what you say, how you say it, and most importantly, how people hear you.

I keep singing this song, but a leader is someone with the ability to attract willing followers. Trust plays a big part in that ability and the key to trust is effective, clear communication consistent with your values and actions.

Mayor Rawlings-Blake’s first mistake was her now widely quoted statement made prior to Monday’s escalation and out of control rioting, looting and arson. As quoted by NBC News:

“It’s a very delicate balancing act because while we try to make sure that they were protected from the cars and the other things that were going on, we also gave those who wished to destroy space to do that as well, and we work very hard to keep that balance and to put ourselves in the best position to de-escalate.”

Don’t just read her words. Watch the following video …

Late Tuesday, in the wake of the destruction, she was asked directly if her words had incited the riots or worsened conditions. Her response was that “… the blatant mischaracterization of my words was not helpful.”

A leader must communicate clearly, especially in a time of crises and especially under pressure.

I admit that when I first heard the pre-riot press conference, my first reaction was that she certainly couldn’t have meant what she said. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and assumed that she meant what she is now claiming, that leaving space for “those who wished to destroy” was simply an inevitable by-product of giving legitimate protestors room to express themselves without an onerous police presence––which may have instigated more trouble.

I listened to that press conference at least a dozen times. If the mayor had not intended to give the impression that she was granting a license for destruction, she did a piss poor job of it. Her statement, if not her meaning, was perfectly clear––she would leave space, and “those who wished to destroy” took full advantage.

Now she’s walking back her statement and casting the blame on those who “mischaracterized” her remarks. Her first mistake would be forgivable under the circumstances, had she owned up to it. Her second mistake is reprehensible.

If you make a mistake––own it!

It’s not the responsibility of your followers or constituents to decipher the nuance of your meaning. It’s your responsibility to communicate clearly. Blaming your audience because they didn’t assume you didn’t mean what you said is simply petulant and not the mark of a great leader.

Mayor Rawlings-Blake could have simply said that she had chosen her words poorly. She could now clarify what she meant, but the appropriate response would be to apologize for her failure to clearly articulate her intended meaning.

Her attempt to shift blame does nothing but diminish her credibility. As I write this article, I’m following another communication problem centering on the mayor …

She claims she did not order police to stand-down as the riots escalated. According to police officials, someone gave that order. FOX News reports:

“Asked directly if the mayor was the one who gave that order, the source said: ‘You are God damn right it was.’”

People forgive mistakes. People can understand poor communication under pressure. They are not as tolerant when you blame them when you say the sun is shining and expect them to know you meant to tell them to bring umbrellas.

As I said in THE SENSEI LEADER:

“Be honest. Enough said.”

The death of Audrie Pott––and the death of respect

From FOXNews.com:

Eight days after allegedly being sexually battered while passed out at a party, and then humiliated by online photos of the assault, 15-year-old Audrie Pott posted on Facebook that her life was ruined, “worst day ever,” and hanged herself.

It never stops.

Look––I’m a realist. I don’t think we’re ever going to eradicate bullying and disrespect, but we can certainly do a lot better. We can certainly insist on more respectful behavior––especially in places where we’re supposed to be teaching it.

I know I’m getting old when I hear myself saying things like, “We had teasing and bullying in our day––but never like this.” To be completely honest, kids in the 60s and 70s did sometimes kill themselves after being tormented …

But not in the numbers we see today––and they weren’t subjected to the constant, inescapable barrage of social media.

The intensity of this type of abuse has increased as well, and the ages of the perpetrators are alarmingly younger. Any kind of group sexual assault was an anomaly not long ago, and when it did happen, you certainly didn’t expect it from school age kids.

The FOX story continues with a statement from the family’s attorney, Robert Allard:

“After an extensive investigation that we have conducted on behalf of the family, there is no doubt in our minds that the victim, then only 15 years old, was savagely assaulted by her fellow high school students while she lay on a bed completely unconscious.”

Allard said students used cell phones to share photos of the attack, and that the images went viral.

How could anyone escape that kind of public humiliation?

Respect may not be dead yet––but it’s sure as hell on life support.

This young woman may have survived and recovered if peers had supported her, instead of perpetrating the social media onslaught against her.

This atrocity might never have happened had one of the young people at the scene shown some courage and stopped it––instead of whipping out the smartphone to take pictures.

Of course, whenever one of these incidents happens, most people express disgust and lament the decay of civility and decency and so forth. Most people say that young people need to learn some respect and that we need to hold them accountable.

That’s not enough.

We need to, as my friend Larry Winget says, “Grow A Pair” and start insisting on respectful behavior and start standing up and calling people out on it––before it escalates to the type of assault perpetrated on Audrie Pott.

Does this mean putting yourself at risk? Well––it might. I’m not going to lie to you.

However––unless you want to be part of the problem, you’ve got to be part of the solution.

When we see bad behavior, we’ve got to have the courage to say something. When we see someone physically assaulted, we’ve got to have the courage to step in––or at least the decency to use the phone to call for help instead of capturing the photo opp.

And it’s best to start young.

I’m sick and tired of the pop culture trend that reflects youth dominance of society and the home. I don’t think it’s funny when the kid runs the house in TV commercials. Sadly––that happens too often in real life too. The monkeys are running the zoo.

It may be inconvenient to take the time to correct a young person’s minor transgression. You may find yourself confronting an angry parent when you tell their kid to stop using a national monument as a jungle gym.

Most of all––and parents especially––you’ve got to walk the walk. You’ve got to lead by example and model the kind of behavior you expect from your children. That goes for teachers and coaches too.

The solution to this problem is simple. It’s far from easy.

If we want to save respect––we’ve got to start practicing respect. And we’ve got to insist on respect.

Period.

The power of music to change lives

The Open Sky Fund is an amazing organization dedicated to providing musical instruments to children so they can experience the power of music to change their lives. I don’t often use this platform to solicit contributions, but I believe in this project so passionately that I am asking for your help.

Look- I’d be very happy if everyone on earth would become a Black Belt. If they did, I know that everyone would be disciplined, focused and confident and most people would be respectful, happy and productive.

I have to admit…that’s not the only way! 

I always say that you don’t have to be a Black Belt to think like one. But- to THINK Like a BLACK BELT you do need to understand that practice is the secret to all achievement and you do need to embrace the continual process of self-perfection.

You can grow and develop yourself in any worthwhile pursuit. 

It may surprise you to hear me say that while martial arts profoundly changed my life, another activity had as great an impact on my life:

Music!

The Coon Cats backstage with Dolly Parton: Randy Morabito, Jim (pre-black belt and still with some hair!), Dolly, Garth Adams and “Fiddlin’ Phil Sweagart.” Photo by Don Lonsway.

In a past life, I even made my living as a musician. Like most musicians, it was arguably a lean living- but a living none the less. I even tasted the big time on a couple of occasions. Hearing one of my own songs on major radio and being the opening act for Dolly Parton were two of the best.

Music, like martial arts, can teach discipline, focus and the power of practice. It requires focus and practice if you want to be the next American Idol or if you just want to enjoy playing the guitar around the campfire.

The Open Sky Fund recognizes the incredible transformational and developmental power of music. Amanda Parkhurst founded the Open Sky Fund in 2009 to provide musical instruments and instruction to children, many of whom would not otherwise be able to afford them.

Open Sky Fund founder Amanda Parkhurst presenting a donated instrument to a very happy kid!

I became involved when I donated a set of bongo drums. I heard Amanda speak at a networking event where she happened to mention that a young girl really wanted a set of bongos. I just happened to have a brand new set that I had seldom played and were now just a decoration in the Black Belt Mindset Studio.

A few days after making the donation, Amanda sent me a picture of a smiling little girl with her new drums and a note that read, “I love my drums!” Hanky please! (Yes, tough old black belts can cry sometimes!)

To date the Open Sky Fund has provided instruments to dozens of children, but the demand is greater and Amanda is expanding her efforts.

You can help!

Of course you can always make a donation of either cash or an instrument. Right now you can help make the Open Sky Fund self-sustaining.

Amanda needs just $200 to produce “The Frog Song,” a children’s music book and CD written by Van Lawton and illustrated by Liz Fallon. Not only is this a wonderful resource for kids, but proceeds from the book will continually fund the efforts of The Open Sky Fund.

Your donation in any amount TODAY is greatly appreciated! Amanda’s goal is to have the book available for the holiday season.

Use this link to make a donation…

If you contribute $50, I’ll send you a signed copy of THINK Like a BLACK BELT. Contribute $100 or more and receive a complimentary Black Belt Mindset Peak Performance Coaching Session.

Any funds raised in excess of the $200 needed for this project will go directly to the Open Sky Fund to provide instruments for more children.

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The political season rages on…an lot’s of people are raging about it! We continue to offer Jim’s solutions to contentious political debate…

It seems like a long time since I made this short video on how to conduct respectful conversations in the office. I’ve become a bit more erasable since this was done, but you may still find this useful!

And you can download this PDF poster for your office bulletin board: The 5 AssUmptions!

If you’d like to host our THINK Like a BLACK BELT for Respect & Civility in the Workplace program at your business, college or university call 800-786-8502 for booking information.

 

THINK Like a BLACK BELT just $1.99 on Amazon Kindle!!!

Click here!

(Amazon Prime members can always borrow THINK Like a BLACK BELT and thousands of other titles for their Kindle…FREE!)

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Schoolyard Cat Fight or Murder?

For years I’ve been telling my martial arts students that I only know two indisputable facts about fighting:

When two people fight…

1) Someone is going to get hurt

2) Probably both people

That’s it – everything else is up in the air.

According to FOX News: “Blunt force trauma to the head killed Joanna Ramos, who collapsed at home after a fight on Friday in Long Beach, coroner’s Lt. Fred Corral says Monday.” (Full story here)

What really killed Miss Ramos was petulant jealousy over a boy. Accomplices in her death include some young boys who held back friends of both girls who were trying to break up the fight.

Today the word “homicide” is being tossed around. Should the other young girl involved in this fight be charged with murder? Are the bystanders accomplices? How much responsibility does the school have – should they have prevented the tragedy?

This fight appears to be a simple schoolyard scuffle gone bad. There were no reports of bullying. There were no weapons used. These kids had a beef and decided to settle it the old fashioned way after school.

There is another factor…

When I was researching for this post I found over 111 million Google matches for the words “girl fight.” The web is sick with viral videos featuring young girls doing battle. The  worst offender is Break.com which is currently featuring over 40,000 videos under the search terms “girl-fight-school.”

The atmosphere that now exists that promotes and glorifies these fights must be countered with fierce condemnation, strict supervision, and most of all with clear parameters for when it’s right to fight and when it’s right to stand down.

• Support your child’s decision to walk away from a foolish fight
• Teach children that the only reason to fight is when there is no other option or imminent threat of harm
• Support schools in their efforts to monitor and control violent behavior

I’d be a hypocrite to say you should never fight. I teach children to have the courage to fight if necessary or unavoidable, but I also teach them to have the courage to walk away unless the fight is truly justified. This distinction must be taught and reinforced constantly.

Young kids do get jealous and they do punch each other in the face once in a while. That does not make it murder, or, provided the details in this case hold up, even manslaughter. If accounts are accurate, you have another victim in this incident already; that other young girl who must now deal with the ominous responsibility of having been part of a tragic death.

When two people fight:

“Someone is going to get hurt; probably both people.”

In this case; both.

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This is an example of the kind of crap posted on Break.com. I’m not an advocate of censorship, but I fully embrace my right to expose and comment on material that these guys see fit to promote, glamorize and make available to children.

My intention here is not to promote the exploitive assholes at Break.com; but to show you exactly what they are doing. This particular video currently has over 3 million views. I highly recommend you block Break.com from your home computer and any computers your children may have access to.

As long as it is available, it is useful to study the dynamic of this type of incident. I selected this clip in particular because of its popularity and because it did not escalate to the level of violence and harm that so many others show. Having said that, you’ll note as the fight starts that one young woman nearly strikes her head on a concrete trash container. Had she hit her head, this case may have ended tragically.

Also noteworthy are the attitudes of the bystanders, particularly the young idiot who recorded the incident. Pay attention to his attitude when questioned about his actions when the teacher intervenes.

What would your kids do under similar circumstances? What have you taught them to do? Have you discussed this kind of situation with your kids?

NOTE: Graphic language and violence in this clip…

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TAKE YOUR FIRST STEP TOWARD SELF-CONFIDENCE. JIM BOUCHARD SHOWS YOU HOW…

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