The truth about trophies

This may surprise you, but I really don’t have a problem with participation awards, especially for kids. It does no harm to recognize a kid for “just showing up.”

However––that participation trophy shouldn’t be 3 feet high and it shouldn’t be the same as the champion’s.

If you want to cultivate a certain behavior, reward it. The fundamental skill that we need to cultivate in kids is, in fact, showing up. We can build from there.

If you want kids to “show up,” then reward them. Nothing wrong with that. If a kid makes it through a tough season of practice and games, by all means give them a participation medal.

Save the 3 foot trophy for the champions. It’s perfectly appropriate to recognize exceptional performance with an exceptional award.

If you have an issue with that, remember that a kid can work hard and still end up on a losing team. Your kid’s championship potential is subject to many conditions outside his or her control including where you live, who the coach happens to be and whether or not their team drafted the biggest kid in the league.

At the same time, a kid on a championship squad might receive a trophy as big as he is just for riding the bench. None of this is fair, but life itself isn’t always fair. That’s the greater lesson.

We actually have quite the opposite problem and it doesn’t end at Little League or high school graduation. We too often tolerate, condone and at times even reward bad behavior. We’re afraid to stand against egregious acts for fear of retaliation and political correctness has stifled constructive criticism and debate.

In the workplace this unintended negative reinforcement takes the form of giving a promotion to the person who never rocks the boat. We give raises for time served regardless of production and we often condemn meritocratic pay systems as being somehow unfair. We keep problem employees in place to avoid protracted legal challenges.

As a society we’re pressing for ever higher levels of minimum wage. Isn’t this the ultimate “participation trophy?” Many people believe that every adult should earn a “living wage” just for showing up.

Give the kids the participation awards. Train them to show up––and to keep showing up even when it’s tough.

When they win, give ‘em the big trophy. Teach them that hard work can earn greater rewards––and that it’s not just the starters that make a successful team.

Draw the line at adulthood. If you’ve been taught these values, you should now realize that showing up is the bare minimum. Minimum effort produces minimum rewards. If you want a shot at the big trophy, you’ve got to put in a big effort.

And you’ve got to accept the fact that no matter how much you deserve to win, sometimes you’re going to lose.

The participation award for grownups is life itself. No matter what your current circumstances and conditions, you can usually find someone worse off than yourself. No matter how bad it is right now, if you’re vertical and mobile you can usually do something to change it.

For kids, lets train them to show up. Let’s train them that if they work hard, and they get some breaks, that they may enjoy greater rewards.

Let’s also train them not to be afraid of taking intelligent risks. Let’s teach them to be courageous and confident. Let’s train them to keep showing up even when things aren’t going their way.

When they show up, give them the participation award––

But never deny the champions their trophy.

Picture of trophy courtesy of Pixtawan and FreeDigitalPhotos.net

SPECIAL POST: “We also gave those who wished to destroy space to do that as well …”

Before the Baltimore riots reached their full crescendo on Monday afternoon, mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake made a critical leadership error––one that likely incited or at least exacerbated the mayhem.

In the relative calm following the “purging” riots, she compounded that mistake.

One of the most important strategies for effective leadership is clear and effective communication. From THE SENSEI LEADER:

The most effective leaders are effective communicators.

Who you are as a leader becomes reality in the minds and hearts of others through what you say, how you say it, and most importantly, how people hear you.

I keep singing this song, but a leader is someone with the ability to attract willing followers. Trust plays a big part in that ability and the key to trust is effective, clear communication consistent with your values and actions.

Mayor Rawlings-Blake’s first mistake was her now widely quoted statement made prior to Monday’s escalation and out of control rioting, looting and arson. As quoted by NBC News:

“It’s a very delicate balancing act because while we try to make sure that they were protected from the cars and the other things that were going on, we also gave those who wished to destroy space to do that as well, and we work very hard to keep that balance and to put ourselves in the best position to de-escalate.”

Don’t just read her words. Watch the following video …

Late Tuesday, in the wake of the destruction, she was asked directly if her words had incited the riots or worsened conditions. Her response was that “… the blatant mischaracterization of my words was not helpful.”

A leader must communicate clearly, especially in a time of crises and especially under pressure.

I admit that when I first heard the pre-riot press conference, my first reaction was that she certainly couldn’t have meant what she said. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and assumed that she meant what she is now claiming, that leaving space for “those who wished to destroy” was simply an inevitable by-product of giving legitimate protestors room to express themselves without an onerous police presence––which may have instigated more trouble.

I listened to that press conference at least a dozen times. If the mayor had not intended to give the impression that she was granting a license for destruction, she did a piss poor job of it. Her statement, if not her meaning, was perfectly clear––she would leave space, and “those who wished to destroy” took full advantage.

Now she’s walking back her statement and casting the blame on those who “mischaracterized” her remarks. Her first mistake would be forgivable under the circumstances, had she owned up to it. Her second mistake is reprehensible.

If you make a mistake––own it!

It’s not the responsibility of your followers or constituents to decipher the nuance of your meaning. It’s your responsibility to communicate clearly. Blaming your audience because they didn’t assume you didn’t mean what you said is simply petulant and not the mark of a great leader.

Mayor Rawlings-Blake could have simply said that she had chosen her words poorly. She could now clarify what she meant, but the appropriate response would be to apologize for her failure to clearly articulate her intended meaning.

Her attempt to shift blame does nothing but diminish her credibility. As I write this article, I’m following another communication problem centering on the mayor …

She claims she did not order police to stand-down as the riots escalated. According to police officials, someone gave that order. FOX News reports:

“Asked directly if the mayor was the one who gave that order, the source said: ‘You are God damn right it was.’”

People forgive mistakes. People can understand poor communication under pressure. They are not as tolerant when you blame them when you say the sun is shining and expect them to know you meant to tell them to bring umbrellas.

As I said in THE SENSEI LEADER:

“Be honest. Enough said.”

Too busy to say Thank You? Bull…

I was sitting down to write a few thank you messages when I realized that the folks I wanted to thank deserved public acknowledgement. I also thought that what these remarkable people do would serve as a great lesson for all of us.

Too often these days, people forget about the small gestures that can have a huge impact. Leaders are particularly susceptible to this problem.

Why?

Because they’re busy…

Larry Winget, Joe Calloway, Dr. John Tantillo, Randy Pennington and Dov Baron are all tremendous leaders, high profile speakers, authors and entrepreneurs…

…and they’re really busy people!

Still- every time I share one of their posts on LinkedIn, Facebook or Twitter, each of them responds with a quick Thank You. Each goes out of his way to share my posts whenever they can. Each takes a couple of seconds to click out a quick “like” in response to a comment.

I can’t tell you how often I tell leaders, managers and executives about the importance of engaging the people around them. Whenever I mention the power of social media to facilitate this engagement, I can guarantee there will be some resistance.

“I’m too busy for all that…”

“There are only so many hours in a day…”

“I’m not going to waste my time…”

No…

“The greatest gift you can give another human being is- your attention.”

I wish I could remember where I heard that, but regardless, it’s become one of my favorite quotes.

What is particularly amazing is that the same people who complain about “wasting” time connecting with others are the leaders, managers and executives that expect their people to be fully engaged. Well, if you want people to be engaged- engage them.

It only takes a few minutes each day to acknowledge some of the people who make a difference in your life…

With social media, a thank you takes just a few seconds. Sharing someone’s hard work- just a click.

I am blessed to have some remarkable people in my life. I feel even more blessed to live in an age when we have the technology to communicate with, and cultivate meaningful relationships with people regardless of where they live in this big country and even bigger world.

Larry, Joe, JT, Randy, Dov- and many, many others.

Thank You!

I know you’re very busy, and I appreciate every second you share with me.

PIcture of computer key courtesy of Stuart Miles and FreeDigitalPhoto.net

How to Stop Workplace Bullying- and It’s Not with an Anti-Bullying Policy!

It started with accusations of bullying. It’s about more than that now, and the Miami Dolphins bullying case shines a blinding light on issues faced in nearly every workplace and home in America.

The worst thing the NFL could do in response to the Miami Dolphins saga would be to create an “anti-bullying” policy.

The same goes for your organization.

I know I surprise people when I say this, but I just can’t get behind so-called anti-bullying policies and laws.

I understand and support the intent-but not the method…

Anti-bullying laws won’t work because you simply cannot create a law that prevents bad behavior.

At best, a law gives you recourse. A law can only give you a way to respond to an offense.

Anti-bullying policies fall short as well. You create a burden of proof whereby someone’s behavior must “rise” to the specified level of unacceptable behavior before you can take meaningful action.

Plus- it’s nearly impossible to define and codify every imaginable offense. A list of “don’ts” is always longer than a list of “dos,” and far less effective.

Create a Respect Policy…

Clearly define the only behavior you condone in your organization. Educate and train people to act in a manner that supports your mission and the effectiveness and productivity of everyone in your organization.

We’ve already got plenty of laws- we really don’t need any more. Harassment, abuse and discrimination are legally defined and punishable by law.

When you specify the behavior you want in your organization, you create the bar you want people to reach.

You also create much more opportunity to help people reach that bar and you leave yourself more latitude in terminating a relationship with people who are unwilling to strive toward that ideal.

With an “anti” bullying code or law, you can only punish the offense. With a Respect Policy, you can, to be blunt about it, get rid of people who don’t live up to your expectations.

People rise to embrace clear expectations. They recoil from the threat of punishment.

Would you rather work in a culture in which you have to watch your every step and word- or one in which the highest level of respect and productive behavior is defined, encouraged and rewarded?

Jim’s Respect: Workplace Edition seminars now available in 1/2 and full day formats. Multi-day and multi-location packages also available…

 

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SPECIAL WEEK: Incivility and Bullying in the Workplace- The “N” Word and how your words define your brand, personally and professionally

All this week: The continuing saga of the Miami Dolphins bullying case and why it’s important to you and your business…

It started with accusations of bullying. It’s about more than that now, and the Miami Dolphins bullying case shines a blinding light on issues faced in nearly every workplace and home in America.

A couple of years ago I was coaching football at a local prep school…

Our team was a a model of diversity with players from all over the country and the world. We had kids from every socioeconomic segment, faith, ethnicity and every family background imaginable.

One of our players was a young black man from an upper middle-class family; both his parents were respected professionals. I’ll call him Mike- not his real name.

Mike was not a kid from “the hood,” though he tried very hard to fit in with some of the kids who did. I believe Mike struggled with his street credibility and rebelled to some degree against his own identity as a good student from a comfortable and stable family.

Lined up for a particular drill, I heard Mike go off on stream of “Niggah, PLEASE!” “Niggah” this and “my niggah” that. He probably used the word a dozen times in a 30 second span.

I’m not using the word in it’s actual form to shock. Calling it “the N-word” may make this easier to talk about…

…but this subject should NOT be easy to talk about!

I’m ashamed to admit that at first- I hesitated to say anything. As a middle-aged white guy, I didn’t think it was my place. It’s not my word- and I knew this young man meant nothing by it. He was not using the word as I grew up to understand it.

I couldn’t let it go. Our school had a strict code against any profanity or offensive language at any time. More important- I’m I coach. It was my responsibility to stop it.

“Mike- knock it off. That word has no place on this field and you don’t use it to any man on this team.”

I didn’t know how he’d react. At first he didn’t react at all.

After a few minutes of tense silence, Mike said, “Coach, I’m sorry.”

After trying to explain the difference between “niggah” and “nigger,” he just said he didn’t even realize how the conversation had taken that turn.

I told him I understood him trying to “own” the word, but to take a look around. “Where are the white and Asian guys who were in line with you a minute ago?”

“They all changed lines.”

There it is.

Words have meaning- and power.

The words you use to express yourself define your identity as others perceive you. Your words can attract the people who give your life meaning- or alienate people you might want to be closer to.

Ritchie Incognito is now in damage control mode. Because of his choice of words, he finds himself in the unenviable position of trying to change our minds about him.

“I’m not a racist and to judge me by that one word is wrong,” Incognito said. “It, in no way, shape or form, is ever acceptable for me to use that word, even if it’s friend to friend in a voice mail.” He said “it was a joke.”  (CNN.com)

Well- if it was a joke, it was anything but funny.

The Dolphins case is keeping the issue of workplace bullying on the radar, arguably in a whole new context. It’s also making us very aware of how deaf we’ve become in certain contexts to abusive, hateful and derogatory language.

I find this especially strange as we’ve become so thin skinned and hyper-sensitive in other politically correct contexts. I’m frankly struggling to make sense of this disparity.

The language many excuse as part of locker room culture is not- by any stretch of the imagination, limited to the NFL. I’ve heard the same language in the shipyard, in school,  at family gatherings, on the golf course and surprisingly, even in the dojo.

An NFL franchise is a professional workplace. Each team and the league itself has a brand. That brand is defined by the words and actions of everyone involved.

Your workplace- your business and your community are branded the same way.

The words you use when you address others brand you. Unless you want to brand yourself as an ignorant bigot- you’d best choose your words carefully…

…and express yourself respectfully.

Friday…The best policy for workplace respect…

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